nostalgia was always my slut

omigod it is sooo hot right now, outside and here at home. i am melting. i just finished making pasta and now i am water if you know what i mean. too damn hot. the only thing i really don't like about the summer is the fact that i have to retire my sweaters for a few months. actually this isn't true. a lot of the time i will wear them at night anyway or evenings when i go out, even if i am really hot. but still. i can't wear them all day. i don't even think this is a fashion thing. i just, like, need a sweater. you know? especially black hoodies, like sooo hot.

today i am falteringly disapointed with the weather. like always it is too hot.

omg i'm 21 soon.

omigod i also just saw the 'don't wait' video for the first time by dashboard confessional. can someone please make my dream come true which will entail that i marry chris like soon?!?!?!?! holy crap.

this is nothing

they always ask
"whats wrong?"
they asks, probeing me
wanting answers
always "nothing"
pull the walls in around me
like a war game
can't let them in

"i'm just thinking"
thoughts, ideas, daydreams"
what?"
why what? why not why?
why not how?
confined by ideological boundaries
why not when?
remembering the past
daydreaming my future

but it's not why or how or when
always "what"
and so always "nothing"

it is nothing
nothing of consequence
or relevance
or importance
not to you
not really of you
just your fingers dripping with me
or me dripping with you

but these things are not
not now
not ever
not with you
nothing
always

indie music is like sooo subversive ...

oh my little ghosts, what have i learned?

he once told me that chris from dashboard confessional must have written the song 'the best deceptions' just for me. so i listened to it today and thought about the night of the concert and how chris was even better singing live. it was sooo scene. when he sang 'best deceptions' outloud was when he had me like 'helloooo'. it was just intense and ridiculously beautiful. i sang outloud to that song with every passing second and just destroyed it in said concert. yet my friends mock me everytime the song flirts to our ears. the song to me is about relationship tragedy and an almost fractured coccyx. pray tell, is there anyone out there that can lip sing to that song word for word better than me? umm no. if yes than three fucking cheers to you.

that's right folks, it's all about me.

20 is sooo hot.

rock star: supernova

i'm addicted to this show. i think it started because i am in felicity withdrawl and i needed something else to watch. now i am obsessed. i haven't even seen the beginning of the episodes, but i've been watching it loads lately and now i can't stop. i am pretty sure it is because i want to be just like all the women in that show. it's their vocal chords... that raspy androgenously beautiful talent the makes you want to politely yet provocatively murmur obscenities just because. especially the word 'fuck'... so presumptuous and effective and badass.

it's a crappy reality tv show and i totally get excited listening to them all rock out. especially diana, patrice and toronto's native lukas they are among my fav's.

i am singing right now at my computer. i should sing more. and say 'fuck' more.

non-dormeur

dear insomnia,

it is my understanding that you are not leaving me alone. it has been approximately two months now that you are hanging over me. as such, i respectfully request that you GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. i thank you kindly

sincerely, abs
a.k.a. the centre of the universe

he drew the heart for me


just some words made up from a guy:

"god i just want to be with you..hold you..just sleep in the same bed with you and wake up next to you" - matt's words to me last night

i love to me

it has come to my attention, or rather been brought to my attention, that, in addition to my sheer cockeyness and mild self-loath, i exhibit certain certifiable vindacated tendencies.

hmm, well, that sounds about right.

usually i walk around knowing i'm hot shit. i dance. i play. i take pictures of faerie dwellings and participate in solidarity dinners and sing rather prolifically in the car. and the bathtub. i am quirky and unpredictably loving. i flirt really loudly and enjoy every lustful, delicious moment of it. i am random and frivolously spontaneous. and every day i marvel at all the uncontrollable, indestructible, breaktakingly simple beauty that exists all around me... the vibrancy and passion, the creativity, the hope...

it is natural and i am peaceful.

recently however, i have become a cynical, sarcastic, irritable, vindacated person. i mean, i am even starting to run out of pens for stabbing people in the eyes. what the fuck?! when did i get like this and how did i end up here?! the truth is, i faltered. got lazy. stumbled into a self-perpetuating monotonous acrimony. or shoved into, really. it was a self-defense mechanism, a languid response tacitly silhouetted by teetering emotion and disarray. i didn't mean to end up here, but everywhere i look these days there is abjection and discontinuity and broken hearts and broken countries and broken families and broken ribs.

lives are broken everywhere. and we are restless.

i am contradiction.
i am complexity.
i am immaterial.

i love to you.

"everywhere i turn, all the beauty just keeps shaking me"

my dreams have been daunting lately... horrifying and obscene and slowly becomes the truth. last night i had a bad dream about something bad and pray it shall never come into existence as long as i am here. i know they are nightmares because i am scared in all of them. the me-being scared part is about death, like a mescaline-ridden prodigal old lady, gathering a temptuous rage within herself. it is quiet... ferociously quiet. i catch the wind and she is thirsty and revealing her dream she too had the night before that was forever daunting and daunting and daunting.

last night i slept on sloven sheets, draped recklessly on my own licentious sin.

i woke up terrified, and coming to orgasm (*subconsciously*)

quote of the day

"don't walk in front of me; i may not follow. don't walk behind me; i may not lead. just walk beside me and be my friend.”

-albert camus aka africa (1913-1960)

media whores...

homeless person in iraq

homeless person soon-to-be (gaza strip)

homeless person in toronto

just a few questions: is anyone else bothered by the seemingly fleeting contrast between the homeless man and the black suv/computer store background? i just find it weird seeing how the homeless man resides in toronto, canada the land of opportunities. so why must people like him exist in such circumstances? and can anyone please explain to me why we have donated millions of dollars to the tsunami victims and forgot about everyone else? iraq? africa? and even here in toronto? israel? lebonon? are these lives worth less? will we still care when media leave?

i put on the t.v and what do i see? anderson copper of cnn? i smell propoganda. postmodernism. consumerism. etc etc etc. to all these are not unfamiliar terms. they have been discussed, vivaciously, among academic, media, and lefty public discourse circles, especially in recent decades. even 'lethal' and i had a small discussions about the problems palestinians are enduring right now. (which i will post on here some other day) times like these is when i wish a social justic guru would step up and say/do what needs to be done. great men died for history and yet history repeats itself. but where are thy great men of today? i am talking about men from history the ones who made difference. ie: gandhi, albert camus and marx. yet we take our time to acknowledge and priase fucking celebrities and pop culture.

that being said however, be more like angelina jolie and make a difference, breath in media, be more aware of your surroundings, be a media analysis and critique, be a intellectual…therefore, i challenge all of you to shake off the hypnotic sensationalism that is mainstream media. read more (preferably alternative) news sources. get out of the goddamn house. speak up loud enough for me to hear you in toronto ontario. and for chrissake, don’t limit yourself to one-good-tsunami-deed. pleeeeeeeeeeeeease…..

a superhero in my eyes...

i had known c---- for sometime now. he is dainty and intelligent, which means i can hold an intellectual conversation with him. he plays hockey a lot, and knows all the continents in africa by heart which fascinates me to the extreme. his political views are in tact. i remember how much he admired me... if he only knew the other way around

a month ago i had received the worst news ever from him. he now has a girlfriend ...

took me 3 years to figure it all out, 3 fucking years to figure out how much i really, really, really like this dude. did i spend the last 3 years under false pretenses? perhaps. he wanted to be with me but that we couldn't. and now i want to be with him and yet clearly now it is impossible. nobody likes to have a cigarette burned into their eye because that's how it feels like

marla.

"It's only after you've lost everything

that you're free to do anything."

france bitches .. #2

i am not at all stoked that italy won and have this feeling now for the next 4 years i am not going to hear the end of it. they won, eh! three fucking cheers for them: sense the sarcasm there? dude, i am not going to lie watching the game at 'little italy' was indeed enjoyable especially seeing all the weird things we saw and not to mention my face is like probably being watched by millions of people somewhere, someplace. seeing, how i was rooting (for france mind you) with a bunch of other people and say like 2-3 cameras from every different angle possible was caputuring our every move. we were all just dancing and chanting 'olay' and screaming wohooo, which by the way destroyed my voice and not to mention drinks flying in the air and a bit on me. oh yeah, and a bunch of guys felt the need to pick me up in the air while screaming italia it was rather hilarious. except for two tiny aspects:

a) i am not rooting for your damn country so put me down

b) everyone in this damn city suddenly became italian over one damn game. this aggravates me to no end. i hate bandwagon fans

i really did want france to win seeing how they had more black players on said team and besides i love zidane and henri. apparently zidane messed up his career and his country's chance of winning but undoubtedly the guy is one of the best players like ever and besides he was provoked nonetheless. if you think otherwise then you are a douchebag. zidane retired like god, priceless, and fucking badass, i know. seriously though 'little italy' after the game became one big douchebag party for all the fake-italians and fake fans. at one point i saw old men dancing to techno music outside the street, i didn't know weather i should smile or just call an ambulance in case a heart attack ensues or something. cars were clogging the streets, horns honking, doobies being smoked, cops raiding the streets doing absloultely nothing except watching hot chicks stroll by, also and some black dude walking about the streets topless .. yeah, topless. 'little italy' is genuinely an italian street in toronto and especially on said particular day we were all there for the very same reason and that was to caputure the last game on telly and so when one notices a random with no shirt on posing all day you are bound to say/do something and so i did, mind you. i did indeed walked proudly towards him and asked him if he was a model he said no and i was like yeah, sure. and he was just watching me. i felt like an ass just standing there all congested, sweaty and wishing i had a france flag so i could wave it to him and every bandwagon-fan mess of a street. anywho, later on we grabbed some food to eat and along the way i had to use the loo so i like stormed into some random pub to do my business and as mother nature was taking its toll on me i was thinking outloud why zidane did what he did and some chick who so happened to be using the stoll next time started exchanging her thoughts in regards to said game. it was weird so it made me smile with such delight because never in my life would i have thought i would be talking one on one about football in the bathroom while doing my business. like they say first time for everything and i loved every minute of it. she was hot too. very, very hot. surprisingly enough we even continued talking more about it while departing from the bathroom. she stated she was italian which i beg to differ she did not look italian just another fake, trust me i know italian i have italian in my family. as i was about to leave i gave her a huge smile which ensued into a big handshake, and apologies for the loss because i think she too wanted france to win. still i had so much fun nonetheless and as we were still walking down the street i saw an unbelievable amount of people dancing on cars and roofs, some were even drinking on the roof tops. it seemd like the world was there.

also, you should check out the song "the eraser" by thom yorke. he is fucking incredible and if you have no idea who he is .. you are pathetic.

"italia .. italia ... italia"

and so they chant.

okay and so i am not a fan. so shoot me. the best part today was going to 'little italy' so i can enjoy the last game of the world cup. all i needed was a flag. Hello! a france flag, thank you very much. i enjoyed the last game at 'bella vista' in college street and yet there i was secretly supporting france. and so perhaps they lost and who cares (i kinda did cry today ...) but i figured at the height of celebration no one really, really cares ..

whatever;) i had a blast and will tell more tomorrow

mirror, mirror on the wall

i look to her and i see nothing. she does not twitch nor does she move. i hate the way she looks at me so i'm looking back. i try to smile to her but nothing seems to ensue. pray tell, give me a reaction anything will do for now. i trace her lips with my fingers and can tell she has not been smiling for years. her eyes are beautiful with a hint of pain. i can tell she has just finished crying. what is troubling you? her eyes are pleading for me to stop trying to understand her. so i retire. i feel like i know inside of her. i feel the pain inside of her. poison me with her pain, pour it in me. i want to be her sacrifice. her own insanity seems to be so alive. and i watch her fight her own insanity and feel helpless in doing so. so i close my eyes with what's not there.

tell her what she's never been and what she's always been. beautiful.

the light comes upon slowly and my eyes now are more awake than ever. her hands comes out slowly and touches my face. i stare in disbelieve as tears drop drips. and so i put my head into her hands and her smile covers my heart.

and she goes black.

i shall come and see you another day ... the stranger in the mirror has become my truth. i look to her and i see nothing

i look to me to see the truth

because the stranger in the mirror is me.

creative cultures

can you feel the vibration?

no, i'm not talking about the marky mark kind. and no, it’s not the hum of your computer. no, not the tremor of the bulldozer as it plows the framework for london's newest commercial atrocity, nor the incessant hissing of bomber planes invading the skies all over the world. no, not the monotonous drone of dubya's mispronounced fallacies, nor the mesmerizing whir of today's coolest product advertised during fox news. not the colonial buzz of corporate imperialism, the oil rigs in the east, the coca-cola machine guns in the south. i'm not even talking about that cell phone in your pocket...

this vibration is older than that, and much more powerful. it's going to save the world.

can you feel the vibration? the resonance, the shudder, that sweet raw vitality of emotion? the wet clitoral tremble of mother nature's breath? the luscious karmic intricacies of awareness?

or have you become a cynical, sarcastic, irritable being? ..kinda like me? have you faltered? gotten lazy? stumbled into a self-perpetuating, monotonous bitterness? maybe it was a self-defense mechanism, a languid response tacitly shadowed by teetering belief and disarray. you didn't mean to end up here, but everywhere you look these days there is abjection and discontinuity and broken hearts and broken countries and broken families and broken ribs.

lives are broken everywhere. and you are restless. i am restless. we are restless.

but can you feel the vibration? because i can. it is visceral and fragrant and fluid. it is the artist’s fire, and it is stirring.

there is a fundamental movement silhouetting the razor wires of social carnage; a steady and revered plurality that will dismantle our ideological nightmares. ride it, lick it, yank it, read it, drink it, shout it, share it. become a part of it. more local, more sustainable, more natural. more orgasmic… deliciously, deviantly orgasmic. cast off your cynicism and apathy. draw on all the walls, on all the fences holding you in, back, out, down… render them colourful and malleable. plant a garden and watch your seeds swallow the hegemony of institution. touch the passion of carnal knowledge and blow little kisses of it outward. unearth our connection…

cultural consciousness is vibrant. and she is our muse.

dashboard confessional; my new nostalgia

friday night was the best ever, absolutely perfect. big shout out to my dear friend whom i had accompanied to the show. we haven't seen each other since the 'high school' days so what better way to catch up from old times at a concert. we went to see dashboard confessional and city and colour (although i did not get to see dallas green play we were late by 1.5 hr but it's okay.) holy shiznet the molson amphitheater is like exceedingly huge, the hugest thing ever. anywho, the concert was just incredible, beyond words right now and somewhat emotional knowing now it is all over. chris from dashboard was just insane, omigod the guy has a voice that i can not even put into words right now and yes that is a pic of him above. especially when you hear him live he sounds soo CD, it was insane. at times he would sing so beautifully natural and loud that we would all just stand there in total awe, simply very mesmerizing. it was incredible. for an emo group they are indeed one of the best. like ever. my all time fav moment was when chris sang 'don't wait' and wow that was intense because we were all singing along with him, it was astounding. he destroyed and spat that song right out. it was fucking awesome. it was wicked how some people were waving their lighters back and forth (as if elton john was gracing the stage or something) and we would all start banging hard at our seats when 'chris' just finished singing a song, i suppose we all wanted more. we would get so loud at times you would think a stampede has just hit us.

"i am vindicated, i am selfish, i am wrong, i am right, i swear i'm right, i swear i knew it all along. and i am flawed but i am cleaning up so well, i am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself." -chris from dashboard

omigod and not to mention i am in love with guitars like you wouldn't imagine. so i must add on the guitar actions were like whoa. i cannot explain it. all i did fri night was tap my foot to the drums and compulsively guitar work they were playing. everything did intertwine perfectly. all i can say is chris you destroyed it man. cheers. the show was rather interesting and very out there; especially the scandinavian-looking chick who was rocking a violin like nothing i have ever seen. this chick was wearing the shortest, tightest dress and still knew how to destroy it up there in front of thousands and some people. it was mesmerizing. she made love to the violin (not literally) ...which obviously means she indeed did receive a standing ovation from me. i was captivated by her work it was just unbelievable ..she is now my new nostalgia haha. i have decided to start living my life to the fullest which of course now means doing more things i had not had the chance of doing before. it will entail many good things; among them will be 'me' attending more great shows. i am serious. they are my emo band forever.

among my fav songs dashboard played fri night.

a) don't wait

b) the best deception ...

c) vindicated <---- my favorite song; you like so have to hear it ;)

later kiddos.